INTERLUDE - HELLO

Hello.

They say external beauty does not matter, but we all know that is not true. Now... I no longer yearn for a boyfriend to share things with. Not since Alexander decided I wasn’t good enough, or when Kevin decided I was too creepy for him. He’s the last of the boys that will reject me, and the first that will repent of doing so. From now on, I’m willing to accept the stares and compliments since it will help me feel better and heal the wounds that past rejections left on me, although I know that won’t be enough to erase the scars…

  

DAY 4, July 07

This weekend it was hard for me to fast. It all started on Friday. I got a lame breakfast ‘cause I knew I was gonna eat a lot on supper. And I was right. On Saturday I had an almond drink for breakfast! (yay!), I had supper until 2:00pm. Almost perfect. And on dinner I had an apple. It was a good day.

I hope I’m getting low! I had breakfast, decent one (I don’t want anyone to suspect, it’s way too soon), and I had spaghetti for supper (my roomie did it, so full of fats!) ß and she also gave me A LOT! I admit I was hungry, so I ate it all, and I also didn’t want to be rude. For dinner I had a cup of tea (I also got an apple for supper). And now I’m feeling hungry… fasting is not fun. I need to teach my stomach how to stop being a pain. (I know 3 days are not enough). I want to be happy first with myself so I can start fixing my personality issues. Heh, but that doesn’t mean either that I can’t be a bitch on my way~ that’s the fun part of it! I’m already tired of boys being rude with me, why can’t I be rude with them for a while?

DAY 5. July 08

My face looks bad haha. Today a guy told me I was pretty~ yeah… photos DO NOT LIE. I’m just not that pretty girl. I’m not even cute hahaha, I do not know if he was lying, trying to make me feel better or whatsoever, just playing with my feelings… I told myself I was gonna be strong about the love issues… but my heart is a stupid sentimental thing, I just can’t shut it down! I hate it. I hate to be so sentimental, to feel this void inside my chest, a void that actually hurts. These are very strong words… I’m such a coward for not wanting to even type my feelings… It’s just, after all these years I’ve seen how guys react and I’ve come to a conclusion: a) guys like skinny bitches or b) guys like medium girls who can fuck whenever they want. But they definitely do not like a girl like me, stuck in between scene and gamer, otaku and hipster… yah, I’m a weirdo with blue hair. Hahaha, I’m not even pretty. I…cannot write this down, not today at least. My words hurt myself and I’m scared they can become true in some sick way according to life, so I learn the lesson; I don’t want that.

I’m sleeping…

DAY 7. July 10

I don’t get myself. It’s almost been a week since I decided to start fasting again, but I’m not sure if I’ve achieved the results I’m longing for. I know it’s too soon to watch changes, and still I want to see them. Today I dated Miles der Vand, the guy I was so in love since high school. It was pretty fun. He’s really cute, but now I know how it feels to not love a person anymore. I felt nothing special when I saw him and talked to him and so… And I remembered how I cried when we had issues and when we broke and when he started his relationship. And, thinking about it, same thing can happen with Alexander. I mean, it took a little too long with Miles der Vand, but all I needed was distance. The distance I need to keep away from him will be here when I go back home… That day my heart will start forgetting. But I just want my heart to start forgetting forever~ Love hurts, and that pain affects me in physical ways.

When did this become me talking about my love issues? I should be typing about my progress with my fasting goals.

Today I did almost perfect. I had 1 yogurt, 1 banana, 3 eggs, glass of coffee and orange juice. All day. Untill 7:00pm I got back, I had 2 slices of pizza for dinner and a yogurt, a glass of milk with 1tbsp of cinnamon. Aside from the pizza being late It was great!! My heart thinks fasting and eating almost -1000kcal will make me thinner, and my brain screams I’m doing it all wrong haha. Who should I follow? My brain sets up walls to help me behave and help me avoid hurting myself but my heart’s desire is too strong and it’s breaking through those walls… Being at home helps, but I’m wondering how long will it last? I’m weak too. But failing to achieve my fasting will hurt my ego, and you know what comes when I get my ego hurt, right? (yes, self harm).... What will happen if I start hurting myself again?....

I’m sleepy....

DAY 12. July 15

This week at home has been easy. I’ve tricked everyone into believing I’m doing good and eating healthy. I know I don’t need extra medication to help me with my goal, though I also admit I have been tempted to buy medication to help me in case I lose it.

Changing on subject, these days my heart has been… longing again~ and this guy… I know is a joke, but how should I make my heart understand? My brain is screaming for me to stop, but my heart refuses to do so. Love issues suck. Seriously! I don’t know if I should use this opportunity to make me feel sexier or…

...

DAY 13, July 16.

I can’t believe it’s almost my second week of fasting. It feels so unreal… Today I had a lecture about me being depressed. It makes me feel bad, to worry other people. I scream for help, but I’m so egoistical. I don’t want that. Not anymore. I also don’t want to feel like this forever. One of my goals is to be slim, I know. Once I get to that… and on the progress… I MUST make changes on my way of seeing the world… I have to pretend everything is fine with life. I have to smile although I’m broken on the inside. I don’t want to worry anyone else. Not anymore. Must smile. Not even appear to be sad with that silly boy.  

I’m feeling lost… although I can see a small light, I’m still feeling lost. I’m feeling desperate. I want to start working right away, but It seems I don’t know where to start… And every time my phone rings I wait for it to be him! Arg!! I feel like in high school. My personality hasn’t gone up a little bit. I also feel like writing poetry, I want to develop my skills as a writer.… what’s happening to me? I can’t get to start to do the things I long to do!.

I shall not feel depressed again.. I must be strong. SEPARATE YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS FROM YOUR PUBLIC MANNERS. I need to remember that. I can cry and suffer all I want. Alone. In my room. Not to bother anyone else. Not to feel the compassion/pity of anyone else or crave their love. Ahhh, I know this hurts, but I think it’s the start of my changes. Remembering mistakes is always painful, but it helps us become better people.

My heart is beating. I feel so anxious. I… don’t know why, WHY!? Why am I changing clothes? Why do I feel this pressure in my chest? Why do I keep telling this guy I will help him when I can’t even handle my own problems? Why? I keep asking myself the same question, and I’d love to have the answer… I know It’s not love… lust? Desire perhaps?. My heart pounds… 

I need to keep writing down everything I feel… I promised to be strong, I don’t know what to say, or how his words will affect me…

It is good, no great deal at the moment. I know I couldn’t possibly write in that style, mainly because I shut my writing self when I enrolled in college (perhaps self defense?) But I feel what he writes… Not so hard, not so deep, but I feel it.

Help me keep strong… Help me find the words I should say… Will I be able to follow what I preach? Or am I an hypocrite?

He is opening himself, If what he says is really true.. why me? I wonder… I can’t open myself, even to me, If I picture the scene, my life would be behind a door; access blocked by a pile of rubbish (school, duties, family, hobbies), ‘cause I know if I open it things wouldn’t turn out nicely… I hate to think even touching the door knob. Then again, why did he chose me? Someone whom he met 1 month ago? Someone who was with him 2 days? And barely talked to him! I could be lying! I could be pretending to be someone who I’m really not! Then again, why? And why did I chose to open a little bit of myself to him? Was it because I felt identified? Because I wanted someone to love me?

I don’t know what to think now. Perhaps it is my “we should help everyone/ I don’t want to see someone suffering” self who is screaming to help this guy. But I’m not that strong. I will collapse eventually. And I don’t like it when I collapse, because I stop caring and blame myself.

Is it true? Do I have the courage to stand up? Banal things are my only hope now. The only promise my world won’t collapse. But it’s still fragile. I have to treat myself with care. Remember what happened at dinnertime? My heart was beating fast, I had a pressure over my chest. The agony of not knowing what the future was holding, how I felt so vulnerable… I don’t want to feel like that. Am I really stable? 

   

DAY 15, July 18

I’m scared about the weight result this week. I’m not sure how much more I will be able to keep this lie. I need to achieve my weight loss goal soon.... Today I saw my jelly rolls, they’re small, but still there... And that made me sad, and angry. 

September 4

Fuck vacations and college. Today I went to the movies and I couldn’t help to eat popcorn and candies and right now at my dorm eat some yogurt. AND I mind! Because I wore some jeans I hadn’t used in years and they hurt! They’re so tight! I’m not going anywhere!! I’m slimmer, yes, but not to the degree I want to be. I need to start over my diet all again. 

October 8

A fucking month and just 500g. F-U-C-K-

I don’t get myself. Is it because I’ve been stressed in school? Where am I failing? I have these sudden urges and bingies… I can’t stop. I HATE MYSELF. I’M A FUCKING PIG. PIG. PIG. PIG. HAHAHAHA, and I keep eating. Shame on me. I’m gonna buy my pills this Friday. I’m fat, I saw my body today. And it’s… ugly, I mean, love handles?? Ewww, that’s not sexy… I’m not sexy at all. I’m failing. I can’t control my eating habits. To this point I don’t care about my health anymore. I always do unhealthy activities and… one more won’t be bad at all. I’m definitely going to buy those pills to control me on my eating bingies... What should I do? I’m just too fucking weak…. So weak…. And so tired. I wish I could be able to fast… Aaand I keep on eating, what’s happening to me?? I’m not hungry! I just want to eat… Maybe if I buy chewing gum… Lots of it… I don’t know what to do. I’ve failed so much and I feel so bad… 

I just read my previous logs.. I’m sick. I’m losing it. But there’s no way to turn back now. The only way of ending this hell is to achieve a slim physique and I don’t care the way I achieve it.

  

DAY X

Because all about you care is… fucking up with me, right? You don’t care about my feelings…what an asshole are you…. Lying to your own girlfriend… and what a fool I am… falling for someone like you… Aaand that’s why I hate myself, I’m not able to control my feelings at all… I feel those tears filling my eyes and clouding my vision… and… I wish I could be strong enough to hide my feelings and lock them away, that way I wouldn’t fall in love so easily and so deeply… perhaps, fucking with you will help me contain this stupid carnal feelings, and help me lock my feelings for all. Because I obviously know you won’t leave your girlfriend for me, you “love” her. I FUCKING HATE THESE LOVE ISSUES! Every day that passes, I convince myself that…perhaps I’m not meant to be together with someone… I just don’t find the “ideal” one, according to my beliefs, so I could easily just fuck on with anyone…right? No feelings involved and no need to feel sad and all… Every day that passes, I feel love is not real at all….and every day that goes on… I feel I lose myself and become unable to love the ones that surround me… I’m already tired of this situation… I don’t know what to do because I never reflect on my feelings; the sole thought of it hurts… The only thing left is to become a creepy girl, my way… Just keeping my feelings away, locked down… It really hurts. Help me drive this sadness away… how should I do it? I just can’t, my heart is so weak… I hate myself, I really hate myself. I’m such a fool, for believing in fairy tales… what is left to me now, is a journey I shall take alone, with no one else… I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I always say so and never do something about it…. Let me bear until Saturday… And after that day, I will… persuade myself to… stop feeling. Must act as a real bitch… must protect my weak heart… ‘cause the walls set by my mind are…almost done for.....

November 12

Today I checked up his GF’s FB, and discovered a nice photo where he actually wrote “I love you” so… haha, no breakup! I’m such a fool for still believing in fairy tales. We dated twice, and kissed so passionately on the second date, he promised me he was gonna break up with his girlfriend, this Saturday. But now, looking at his cover up photo, the one he hasn’t changed at all…. And at the comments and stuff, well.. I’m actually really stupid. So that is my love adventure hahaha.

Love doesn’t work right now, see? Only makes me feel like shit, thank you! And that is never, ever going to change… So, why do I keep trying? The only results I get are: Tears, tears and more tears… So I just decided, I want to be slim. That’s the only fucking thing that matters to me ATM. I don’t fucking know how I’m gonna achieve my goal. I.. don’t need love in my life anymore. But I’m gonna keep it up until the end of November, I want to be completely sure about things, so I can slap that fucking bastard in the face. Fuck him. And all of those assholes who’ve hurt me in the past. But I only deserve this for all the pain I caused to the only person I’ve really loved. And I’m still sorry for it. But, I’ve only got 30 days… Nothing left to do anymore, it’s gonna be over so soon… and it will be over forever… And it is all my fault… All of it. So I really hope he finds someone special, a girl who really deserves him and loves him as much as I did and the way I wasn’t able to… Because I was such a fool, to listen to the words of those who called themselves my friends… You know., you should trust no one… People only break up your heart in such unimaginable ways… It’s always better to be alone, and always trust yourself and no one else.

I’m tired of relying on strangers. No more private details will slip through my lips. Just use people around you, try them, know If they’re worth or not, and…so. Enjoy the company, but never develop feelings. Never be rude, either. You’re not rude, you’re a bitch.

I’m gonna get over this. And In the end I’m really going to be okay… I just need to be patient and work hard. Hard work always pays off in the end. Crush those unnecessary feelings, and lock them away in your heart. Remember: In this desperate journey towards perfection, you’re all alone.